Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Two losts souls, swimming in a fish bowl

We all have them. We all regret them. We all look [not so fondly] back to our younger years, and we can't help but laugh at our naive little selves. You know what I'm talking about. Those people we were with, the ones we dated and thought [for some crazy crazy reason] that it was a good idea. As Peter Pan would say, we all clung to our happy thoughts [this is not recommended] and believed with all of our oh-so-hopeful hearts that this person was the one.

Of course, that's ridiculous to us now. After all, we've mat-yured.
Our perfect hindsight vision reveals to us the impossibility of it ever ever [even in the best of circumstances] working out with said person. But we went on believing, blindly bathing in the Tinkerbell's pixie dust, imagining that together we will one day fly off into wedded bliss.

The past few days I've been wondering what the point of all this is, this relationship thing. Do we even get anything out of it in the inevitable and oh-so bitter end? Why do we insist on thrusting ourselves right back into the muck of complicatedness? [Please note, this is not a reflection of my present circumstances with boyfriend.]

This brooding began two days ago when I took a diamond necklace that I received from my high school boyfriend to the pawn shop [I know, I'm a terrible person. Judge away.] I discovered this little jewel [pun intended] when I was moving into my new house. I wondered what in the world I was going to do with it since I could [obviously] never wear it again, when suddenly inspiration struck.

Forty dollars and zero regret later, I thought how awesome it was to rid myself of a tangible part of a long-ago relationship to which I have no ill feelings. It felt nice to be free, in this small way [not to mention have some gas money for the week.] I'm sure this was similar to how he felt when he took the time to delete every facebook message, post, or picture that had anything to do with me [I bet that took a while.] According to the Internet and my jewelry box, we never had a relationship. As far as they're concerned, six years of my life was just erased like the click of a button.

Now this is definitely not meant to be a "let's bash my first boyfriend" post. He was great. We had fun. And I have no ill wishes toward him and his wife. But selling that necklace got me thinking.

I wish I could cash in for everything else, ya know?
I wish we could go to the pawn shop and tell the nice, foreign man behind the counter how we spent X amount of minutes with a person, sent gobs of loving text messages, talked for way too long on the phone, laughed until the tears streamed down our faces, shared together, cried together, and, most importantly, we grew with this person. Weigh that Mr. Pawn-Shop-Man and tell me what it's worth.

Instead of making a quick forty, we're left with a hole inside of us when the cookies finally decide to crumble. Some endings bring more intense feelings of loss than others. But it always takes time, real patience, to get to feeling "normal" again. And I think that's because we can't cash in on the time and effort we put into a relationship, how much we emotionally invested in a person.

But we continue to throw ourselves out there, we persist in sharing and loving with our hearts on our sleeves. Because, in our heart of hearts, we all believe that one day [maybe not tomorrow and maybe not this week] but we all trust that we are going to find that someone with whom we can ultimately "cash in" absolutely everything.

And I think, maybe, that's better than a couple of twenty dollar bills.


  1. now why ya gotta write this right after i wrote my own sob story? =P ... but more like =(
    its always that sort of emotional pain that made me avoid relationships. maybe its time to grow and cash in on what could be ;)
    i try to avoid this kind writing but it keeps coming lol
    this was a real solid article - i dug it hella

  2. I think the time invested is the reason why it's always been so hard for me to let go of dysfunctional relationships. I loved this post, it was very well written!

    I don't see why anyone would judge you negatively for sending that necklace to the pawn shop. I would do the same if any of my boyfriends ever gave me jewelry. Unfortunately, I never got such awesome gifts. Sigh...

  3. THAT... is a great, great idea. Tell me what my emotional baggage is worth, Mr. Pawnbroker! At least 1000!

    And I am very very broke...

  4. Good post-- it is very closely felt as well. ( :

  5. I love your post. Yeah i like the idea of cashing in all our past, so we could have enough money to invest on a new memory.

    indeed love is an investment. sometimes we lose, we get bankrupt, but sometimes the investment is reciprocal and all worth it :)

  6. I think we keep trying with love because we know that when we find TRUE love, it will have been worth all of that pain.

    Then again, that's my little naive point of view. I've only been in love once (with my current boyfriend).. I mean, I've been hurt.. but you know what I mean. I think. Ha!

  7. Love this post. And all the bracketed comments. haha

    You never know what's going to happen in a relationship until you give it a try. But you always have to know when it's not going to work out/if you can't see them in your future. Loves you :)

  8. i kind of agree but then i still have the ring from my previous relationship which is prob worth nothing now and i will never wear it again but it has sentimental value that no money can buy!
    at the end of the day no matter how bitter the end was you did have good time and those are what they are for to remember them occasionally but not to dawn on them.
    Am i making sense here or just talking complete ga ga lol

  9. Maybe it's because I'm a newly wed (who has had plenty of heartbreak for one lifetime, thankyouverymuch)but I think once you meet that person it all becomes worth it. The lessons you learned...the necklaces you had to sell ;) because all of it brought you to 'the one'. I know, cheesy. Oh well.

    -in reply to your comment, combined we would totally make the perfect housewife. I hate cleaning! I do it once a week and it only stays clean for 2 days! Grr!

  10. I hate brokenness.
    I hate scars.

  11. I used to think that I would marry every guy that I dated.. Started in eight grade.. well he is gay now and I have had like 5 serious boyfriends since.. I have emotionally invested a lot into guys it sucks hah!! Its funny though.. my first boyfriend got me a gold necklace for our one year anniversary and I too pawned it.. it was $5!! I should have just kept the necklace.

  12. Great post, couldn't agree more.

    Its sad when you grow so much with someone, then all of a sudden you realise you're actually growing apart..

    I pawned my jewellery too, that was a great feeling! :)